If programming languages were religions

From http://www.aegisub.net/2008/12/if-programming-languages-were-religions.html
This list is much funnier than if programming languages were cars.

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C would be Judaism - it's old and restrictive, but most of the world is familiar with its laws and respects them. The catch is, you can't convert into it - you're either into it from the start, or you will think that it's insanity. Also, when things go wrong, many people are willing to blame the problems of the world on it.

Java would be Fundamentalist Christianity - it's theoretically based on C, but it voids so many of the old laws that it doesn't feel like the original at all. Instead, it adds its own set of rigid rules, which its followers believe to be far superior to the original. Not only are they certain that it's the best language in the world, but they're willing to burn those who disagree at the stake.

PHP would be Cafeteria Christianity - Fights with Java for the web market. It draws a few concepts from C and Java, but only those that it really likes. Maybe it's not as coherent as other languages, but at least it leaves you with much more freedom and ostensibly keeps the core idea of the whole thing. Also, the whole concept of "goto hell" was abandoned.

C++ would be Islam - It takes C and not only keeps all its laws, but adds a very complex new set of laws on top of it. It's so versatile that it can be used to be the foundation of anything, from great atrocities to beautiful works of art. Its followers are convinced that it is the ultimate universal language, and may be angered by those who disagree. Also, if you insult it or its founder, you'll probably be threatened with death by more radical followers.

C# would be Mormonism - At first glance, it's the same as Java, but at a closer look you realize that it's controlled by a single corporation (which many Java followers believe to be evil), and that many theological concepts are quite different. You suspect that it'd probably be nice, if only all the followers of Java wouldn't discriminate so much against you for following it.

Lisp would be Zen Buddhism - There is no syntax, there is no centralization of dogma, there are no deities to worship. The entire universe is there at your reach - if only you are enlightened enough to grasp it. Some say that it's not a language at all; others say that it's the only language that makes sense.

Haskell would be Taoism - It is so different from other languages that many people don't understand how can anyone use it to produce anything useful. Its followers believe that it's the true path to wisdom, but that wisdom is beyond the grasp of most mortals.

Erlang would be Hinduism - It's another strange language that doesn't look like it could be used for anything, but unlike most other modern languages, it's built around the concept of multiple simultaneous deities.

Perl would be Voodoo - An incomprehensible series of arcane incantations that involve the blood of goats and permanently corrupt your soul. Often used when your boss requires you to do an urgent task at 21:00 on friday night.

Lua would be Wicca - A pantheistic language that can easily be adapted for different cultures and locations. Its code is very liberal, and allows for the use of techniques that might be described as magical by those used to more traditional languages. It has a strong connection to the moon.

Ruby would be Neo-Paganism - A mixture of different languages and ideas that was beaten together into something that might be identified as a language. Its adherents are growing fast, and although most people look at them suspiciously, they are mostly well-meaning people with no intention of harming anyone.

Python would be Humanism: It's simple, unrestrictive, and all you need to follow it is common sense. Many of the followers claim to feel relieved from all the burden imposed by other languages, and that they have rediscovered the joy of programming. There are some who say that it is a form of pseudo-code.

COBOL would be Ancient Paganism - There was once a time when it ruled over a vast region and was important, but nowadays it's almost dead, for the good of us all. Although many were scarred by the rituals demanded by its deities, there are some who insist on keeping it alive even today.

APL would be Scientology - There are many people who claim to follow it, but you've always suspected that it's a huge and elaborate prank that got out of control.

LOLCODE would be Pastafarianism - An esoteric, Internet-born belief that nobody really takes seriously, despite all the efforts to develop and spread it.

Visual Basic would be Satanism - Except that you don't REALLY need to sell your soul to be a Satanist...

Thanks to jfs and other people on #aegisub for the suggestions. Keep in mind, this list is a joke, and is not meant to offend anyone. Also, if you're a Muslim, please don't kill me. ;)
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Real-life Dilbert manager quotes

A magazine recently ran a 'Dilbert Quotes' contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America :

'As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.'
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA )

'What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.'
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

'E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.'
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

'This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.'
(Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

'Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.' (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

'No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.' (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufactur ing/ 3M Corp.)

'Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.'
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, 'That would be better for me.'
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

'We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.'
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

desparation for housing

I am so lucky to get the apartment earlier!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello,
We are a couple looking for a 3 bedrooms apartment in Plainpalais or Carouge areas only.
We both have excellent references (both B permit for 4 years and Management job in International companies in Geneva) and are ready to reward any person who could ensure we got a long-term lease depending on the rent amount (charge included) as follows:
Rent < 4000 CHF Reward = 1000 CHF
Rent < 3500 CHF Reward = 3000 CHF
Rent < 3000 CHF Reward = 5000 CHF
Conditions:
- Reward paid upon lease sign-off
- Long-term lease only (no sub-lease)
- Unfurnished apartment
- Maximum rent = 4200 CHF charge and park (if any) included
- Preferably top floors, with a balcony, quiet neighbors
- Parking place and availability to be discussed
- We both have a 1 bedroom apartment respectively in Plainpalais and Carouge if needed

If you are interested, please contact me by email only: louisgrouiller@yahoo.fr
Thank you!
Louis

hundredpushups

I read the article about the hunderpushups.com on reddit.com and ofcourse the epic thread that it created. After some hesitations, I started doing it, since this is the only way to stay fit apartfrom cycling up the hill here. I started with 8 pushups and now after 4 weeks I am at 57. The program is very well done, I don't know how they manage it, but everytime I see how much I need to do the next day, I always think I can never do that. But when the time comes, I just about manage to make the pushups. It would be interesting to see how they come up with those numbers of pushups.

Apart from that, I started doing skipping recently. And it is so embarrassing that I could skip only for 2 minutes. I hope I go the pushups way and make it to 30 minutes skipping I have in mind. Regardless of these I somehow manage to lose weight here in Switzerland. I eat pizzas, cakes, chocolates etc. etc. but still when I measure weight month after month I usually weigh less. This is interesting how much just 45 minutes of cycling helps in a day. In US I used to do aerobics for 45 minutes, then weight training etc. etc. still never lost weight. Here it is completely automatic it seems, no wonder folks here are usually thin.

Bollywood movie quality

Watched three terrorism related movies in last month. First, "Aamir" -- this was a great movie with very realistic locale, and very rivetting performance from the lead actor. He is a new guy, didn't expect much from him, but the actor had good screen presence, and probably shiny ahuja has a new competition. The movie walked at really fast pace, taking you to different locations of Mumbai and you feel like running behind the actor all the time. Oh, and the music which always runs on the background is so refreshing. Looking forward to more music from this new director.

Then, watched "Mumbai Meri jaan". When Aamir was about a terrorist, this one was about the victims and how they react. Watch out for the performance from ever reliable KayKay and Irfan Khan.

Finally watched, "A Wednesday". This was from the point of view of a common man. Not one directly involved in the terrorism, or the terrorist. Stalwarts like Anupam Kher, and Naser gave really fine performances. You feel for every single character in the end, the tight lipped politician, the no-nonsense commissioner, the young exuberent police officers, the common man. I am sure the monologue Naser gave at the end will stay with me for a long time...

Seems like the multiplexes have allowed the indian film makers to be more innovative, and actually produce some works of art. Otherwise movies were too predictable, too formulaic, with the songs, and applause inducing lines/situations etc.

Special mention for "Black and White" -- though the movie tackled the same issue, the film makers didn't know whether to go for a commercial movie or more artistic movie. In the end it was neither, but good attempt there.

Also special mention for "A Peck in the Cheek" from Maniratnam on LTTE ... this one is old, but I saw it recently. Except for "Dil Se", I think I love Maniratnam's every single movie on such conflicts.

Finding an apartment in Switzerland

Finding an apartment in Lausanne is like buying a house and finding a job in US. Here is the process, in steps.

1. Get a temporary residence, this will give you a residence permit.

2. Find at least 5 apartments to see. They are really expensive. Initially when I read the advertisements I didn't think they were too expensive. They advertise apartments as 3 pieces, 4 pieces etc. In a 4 piece apartment there will be 2 bedrooms, 1 living room and 1 kitchen. So when I saw those ads for 4 pieces at 2200, I used to think, that is not so bad, 4 people can share it and pay 550 each. Well I was for a surprise.

3. When you see the apartment, you add your name to the interested person's list.

4. You provide a short biography for yourself to the current owner, who then shortlists the set of people "worthy" of living in the same place as him/her. This step is really important as I saw apartments being visited by about 8 people just the day after it is posted everywhere. So you should wear good dresses and write impressive essays about yourself :)

5. After getting short listed, you go to the rental agency. There they will need the residency permit in 1st step, the work contract, and a recommendation letter from your adviser as to why you are a good person.

6. If you are lucky and you can show good income and get a good recommendation letter, you will receive the apartment. Phew!

Why this is happening? I have no idea, but apparently in the French speaking Switzerland there is huge demand for the apartments. Only 0.1% percent of the apartments are free, when the average rate of free apartments in other cities is about 1-2%. Consequently, the rate increases about 18% from each renter to the next one. And the agencies get lots of leverage over who they allow to settle into their apartments. The only way out is if someone you know is leaving the place, then you can go to the agency directly with him and get the apartment before it is widely known that the apartment is available. I wonder how they avoid Bombay like real-estate mafia from spreading here in Lausanne.

Once in the apartments, here are the restrictions:
1. No noise after 10pm. It is quite possible that if you have a party and you invite your neighbors to it. They will come and leave by 10 pm. If the party continues after 10pm, they will call the police.
2. Scheduled laundry hours. You get half day schedule to wash your laundry, if you don't use that, you better buy more underwear till the next week. Don't even think of using someone else's scheduled time.
3. Random checks of the apartment. The agency can come randomly to check if you are keeping their apartment up or not.

Shopping Swiss-style

In Switzerland the shopping is not as good an experience as it is in US. First of all, they close the shops at 6:30 or max 7pm. Then they take entire Sunday a day off. Not even that, they have many more small quirks. First, you don't get bags when you shop at the store. You are supposed by buy bags at 2Fr. a piece. Then, they don't fill up your bag either, as they do in US. Even when you get the cart, you have to put 2Fr. in the cart to remove it from the stack. I told my friend how in US, they give bags for free, then fill in the bags manually, and even offer to take the groceries to the car. My friend was so impressed, now just waiting to arrive in US.

I complained about this to my advisor and she thinks it is a good thing they make it so hard to shop. Otherwise folks here have so much money that they will keep shopping all the time... interesting philosophy, some economist somewhere must be pulling his hair out.

Comedians say the darnest things

There was this Russel Peters stand up routine, where he discusses how Chinese folks do the budget for you.

I would have thought that was just a joke, but it is quite true, as I have found out now. I share an apartment with a German guy, a Chinese girl, and an Uzbek girl. The Chinese girl is very nice, for example, when she cooks she always asks everyone to share, which no one else does. However, she exactly fits the stereotype that Russel Peters came up with. On our first chat, within 30 minutes she asks me how much I am getting as salary. I make an excuse to avoid answering it. Again she asks me the same question next day. I think to myself, what the heck, it is just a student stipend and all of CMU gets the same stipend so I might as well say it. She spent the next 10 minutes doing the budget for me. How much I should spend on eating, how much on housing, and how much I should save. Finally what all I can do with the saved money... Her boyfriend probably does not have to do any money accounting ever...

Then I read the following article in BBC, where the government in China has asked their citizens not to ask to the Olympic tourists -- http://uk.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUKPEK32893420080723?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews . Salary as expected is one of the questions there.

Culture mini-shock

When I moved to Switzerland, I was thinking of how big the culture shock is going to be. My fist move out of india was a huge culture shock. Now that I am used to US culture, it is interesting to see still there is a shock, although a mini one. Some of the differences are

1. Here folks don't say hi, "howdy" etc. to random person. And they definitely don't know what small talk means. Everyone is busy with what they are doing and let you be on your own as much as possible. Sometimes I think US folks are nicer as well. For example, if you are in a line, and there is a gap between you and the head of the line, someone will squeeze in...

2. Folks rarely use cars, even when they have one. Trains are really on time and very frequent. Even one in 5 minutes during rush hour. Folks still keep a time table to look up when the next train will come. Just reflects the punctuality of folks and the trains.

3. There is no clear "rural" and "urban" area separation. I am in Lausanne city, but I walk to office through a corn field. This is not just Lausanne, I saw it everywhere on my way from Geneva.

4. Folks are really relaxed here. The entire EPFL campus shuts down after 7pm. Now that I am writing this from my office at 10pm, I'll have to grope my way out as they shutoff the light in the buildings. The mall, grocery stores, also close at 7 and on Sundays. I don't know how folks work here, they must have to take time off the working time to go do their shopping. Or just do everything on Saturday.

5. Food is horrible, even worse than US. Pizza tastes as if it is cooked in a microwave. It is healthy, as they give right portions for protein, carbs, vegetables, and fruits, but you have to think of them as medicine and eat I guess.

6. There are not many indians and chinese....

7. Folks are really slim, in last 9 days, I have counted and saw only one fat person here.

Update: http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~terry/english/surprising.switzerland.html has many many more, which I probably will never encounter in my stay here.